Wedding Planning Panic Attack

Before I begin this story, I need to remind you, Reader, of something very important.  Anxiety is different for everyone and your experiences may be the same as mine; it may be vastly different from my own.  It may vary by situation, it may cause reactions in different manners.  That's all OKAY.  Remember that, alright?

 My sister, mother and I recently went to a David's Bridal location to try on bridesmaid dresses.  I feel that David's is the most affordable, convenient option for my bridesmaids who are scattered from Boston to Brooklyn to upper New Hampshire.  I had already picked out a color (a soft sage green) from the selection available on the website and had a general idea of the style of dress I wanted.  I also knew that I wanted every girl to feel great in whatever she wore that day so I had settled on the idea that each of them could choose what style she felt suited her best, as long as it was in the same color as everyone else.

The store was a tornado of activity on that Saturday afternoon.  Their store was set up strategically so that groups wouldn't be spaced too closely together for COVID compliance, but it was still bustling with activity.  Our consultant had three groups she was working with simultaneously, including ours.  She remained upbeat and outgoing, even though I could tell she was overwhelmed and stressed.

As soon as I saw the color I had chosen in person, I mentally slammed on the breaks and my mind went careening out of control.  The green was nothing at all like the soft sage color I had envisioned or seen on the website.  It was far too "spring" and not the soothing eucalyptus-like color I had dreamed of.  

My sister was a good sport and tried on the chiffon flutter skirted dress I had chosen.  Dana is not one for ruffles and though this one sported just the sslightest wave along the slit running up her leg, I know it's not necessarily what she would choose for herself if given the option.  David's Bridal thankfully offers the same skirt with a variety of necklines to choose from so Dana managed to find a high-neck option she loved.  I knew right away that the dress was perfect and would look great on all of my girls, but the color had thrown me for a loop.

When I am upset or get overwhelmed, I don't hyperventilate or panic with my hands flapping about.  I shut down.  I'm like a computer that needs to power down and reboot before I can download updates and new information.  My fiance likes to say that the "lights are on, but no one is home".  I get a far away look in my eyes and anyone around me can practically smell the smoke coming out of my ears as my thoughts swirl and try to process.  My chest starts to feel tight and I can't help my mind from racing. I become paralyzed.

My mom and sister are problem solvers.  They will offer you a million different options and alternate routes to take.  I've always been the type that likes to sit and mull over everything, thinking long and hard before I make a decision.   Unfortunately this time my anxiety took over and I was so busy running through every option that I could barely make conversation during lunch with them.  My family was trying to be helpful, but I couldn't stop the thundering going on between my ears to even hear them.

My mind had gone down the proverbial rabbit hole, like Alice falling into Wonderland.  A wedding color may sound like a trivial matter, but it affects everything from dresses to flowers to freaking napkins.  FREAKING NAPKINS.  My thoughts jumped from bridesmaid dress color to processional order.  We have an uneven number of attendants in our bridal party and I had been struggling to figure out the least embarrassing and awkward options for all involved to make it down and back up the aisle.  Then my head went to seating arrangements and sweetheart tables, etc. I started second-guessing every decision I had made regarding the wedding so far.  Most of them are not set in stone, but I was doubting myself and my ability to make the best decision of anything regarding this special day.  On and on, around and around, further down the hole I went. 

I got home that evening from shopping and I cried... and cried.  Not because I was mad about the color or that my family had tried to help me in a way that wasn't what I needed.  I cried because that's what happens when I'm overcome with emotions.  It's like a tidal wave that just needs to get out somehow.  Some people go for a run or meditate.  I cry; it's my own way of gaining control over my body again.  I cry when I'm angry or upset, I cry when I'm being shouted at in an argument, I cry when I already know what I've chosen but am not ready to admit it to myself.

I didn't speak to my fiance about everything because I wasn't sure I would be able to put together my thoughts in a clear and concise manner.  I confided in my best guy friend and future bridesman about how I was feeling after he texted to inquire how shopping had gone.  At the time it was easier to type it out, than to sit down and make eye contact with an actual person.  I think I was afraid he would pelt me with a million alternative solutions like my mom and sister had.  My bestie's advice was sound and I knew it was wrong of me to be telling him what was going on rather than speaking to my partner.   He advised me to sit down and speak with Bobby.

I struggled with my mixed up emotions and was torn between settling on decisions for the remainder of the weekend and I took the following Monday off of work, citing a stomach bug.  To be fair, it wasn't a lie because my stomach quite literally felt like it was tied in knots. I slept in; I took my time waking up.  I finally dragged my butt out of bed around noon and made a mug of tea.  I changed from my current pajamas into a fresh pair.  I sat on my bed with a notepad and a pen, and began.

I wrote down everything I was thinking and feeling.  I wrote down every option and alternative.  There were sticky notes everywhere and papers all over the bed, but I needed to get it out.  With all of these various options and opinions swirling around in my mind, I needed to see it all on paper in front of me.  I suppose my thinking was that if it was on paper then it wouldn't be pinging around in my head like a pinball.

At the end of the day I had narrowed down the miriad of infinite possible choices to just a few.  I decided to trust my gut instinct and chose the deep burgundy color I had seen at David's during out appointment.  I had fallen in love at first sight, but wasn't ready to admit it to myself yet because I was still devastated about the sage being such a disappontment.  I sat down and talked to Bobby, who patiently waited until I had spelled everything out about the options and how I was feeling.  He mulled it over and offered me a well thought-out solution to the processional dilemma, as well as the seating arrangments.

Bobby reminded me that any decision I make won't affect how happy we are that day, whether the napkins are white or maroon or neon purple.  He held me in his arms and told me that he had absolute faith that I would make the right decision for us.  I felt the weight lift off of me and I regained confidence in my ability to make a choice without second-guessing every little detail.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, anxiety is different for everyone.  I'm still learning that it isn't something I have to tackle on my own.  Hell, I'm still learning after over three years that I don't have to handle my cancer diagnosis on my own.  Letting people in is never an easy task for me and I have to remind myself that the load I bear on my shoulders will be lighter if I share it with someone else.

You're not alone.  I see you.