One Year With Cancer
Well kids, it's officially been one year since I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. My life hasn't changed that much. I got engaged, I dyed my hair back to a normal color, we made an offer on a house... For those of you just joining our program, I have: a cancerous tumor on my right kidney, a cyst on my left kidney, a fatty liver and an ovarian cyst.
I get ultrasounds and multiple tests every few months to ensure nothing has changed; they call it "watchful waiting". It's incredible frustrating and doctors can be simply terrible about giving you all the information. For a while I had no idea which ovary had the cyst and I didn't realize it until another clinician asked me.
It's been quite the year but rather than focus on the negative, I'd like to reflect on the year and the lessons that have kicked my butt. Here are a few things I have learned:
1. Internal pelvic ultrasounds HURT. It's a rod with a camera on the end that you insert like a tampon, except the technician is probing and shifting and poking you with it. Regardless of how gentle they try to be, it still hurts more than your annual gynecological exam.
2. It's okay to cheat on a diet. I had to cut out coffee, black tea, white flour, corn and white potatoes. Some of these I have succeeded on, and some of them I failed miserably. Forcing myself to take a good, hard look at what I am consuming made me realize that I consume far too many pastries, regardless that I do eat a mostly plant-based diet. I only allow myself one medium caffeinated coffee on Mondays and a cup of decaf if I'm out to breakfast on the weekend. If I'm having a tough day, coffee is my crutch and it's something I am actively working on.
Potatoes are my favorite food and by far are more my weakness than any form of caffeine. I love sweet potatoes, but something about those hot, salty fries are just not the same as sweet potato fries. When you're in the mood, you're in the mood. Corn was a staple with no nutritional value but it's still hard to say no to a hot buttered ear of corn in the summer or corn salsa on your Chipotle burrito. I also consume a lot of bread products and pasta I have learned.
Being vegetarian is always a challenge but it also allows me to be creative in the kitchen, which I love. Yes, I cheat on these restrictions often but hopefully in the years to come I can manage my diet better than I have been. I'm also hoping that when I go out to eat, I continue to see more options on the menu for me besides mac and cheese or a salad. Impossible burgers are a step in the right direction (regardless of the high sodium content) but we still have a long way to go for vegans and vegetarians!
3. Your health is your business and no one else's (unless you chose to share it). Most of my family and friends have no idea that I'm sick. I'm lucky enough to work for a company that allows me to be flexible within my day, so I can go to doctor's appointments early in the morning and then stay late to finish my day. I get to choose who share my story with and that power of deciding is one of the few moments of control I have in this whirlwind. You never owe anyone an explanation more than "I'm not feeling well" or "I have a doctor's appointment". If you choose to share information beyond those statements, then that is your choice.
4. Your diagnosis is not a burden.
Most people I tell about my illnesses are attentive listeners and while I hate to watch the dread and fear cast a shadow upon their eyes, every single one of my friends have thanked me for telling them. We fear the unknown, and unfortunately "The C Word" (as Bobby refers to it) is incredibly devastating. It feels as though everyone knows a loved one or friend who passed away from The C Word and it's hard admitting you have a health problem when the word strikes such fear in people. I held off on telling anyone for a long time because I hated that look of fear and pity they would give me. At the end of the day though, people who love and care about you just want to support you. I have a hard time allowing others to care for me; I am always the caretaker for my friends, family, even coworkers. It isn't a burden to share your truth with them; it is something that can bring you closer, make you value your time and friendship, and remind you of just how short life can be.
5. Love is hard but it will get you through the day.
My fiance is incredibly supportive and though I thankfully rarely have symptoms of my disease, I know he constantly worries. He tends to hover like an overprotective parent, always concerned and cautious. This year has not been easy for us. Though it was filled with joy over becoming engaged on our first trip to Disney World together, there were several family members who were hospitalized for various reasons and both of our jobs are high stress. We try to make as much time for each other as possible but it is challenging when you still live apart. We are still saving for a house which is both exciting and incredibly frustrating. We recently made an offer on a fixer upper and the process was stressful. We had a few fights this past year that made me realize our disagreements have grown more intense, but thankfully the result is that we become closer than ever after we resolve things! I'm eternally grateful to have such a loving partner who cares about my well-being and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, regardless that I have all these issues or that the future is unknown.
Here's to the next year and fingers crossed nothing more happens to my health! May you have a healthy, happy life filled with joy and laughter. Mine is filled with lots of needles, poking and prodding. At the end of the day, it is also filled with love, compassion and patience (on my fiance's part, not mine). Here's hoping 2020 brings me some more patience!
I get ultrasounds and multiple tests every few months to ensure nothing has changed; they call it "watchful waiting". It's incredible frustrating and doctors can be simply terrible about giving you all the information. For a while I had no idea which ovary had the cyst and I didn't realize it until another clinician asked me.
It's been quite the year but rather than focus on the negative, I'd like to reflect on the year and the lessons that have kicked my butt. Here are a few things I have learned:
1. Internal pelvic ultrasounds HURT. It's a rod with a camera on the end that you insert like a tampon, except the technician is probing and shifting and poking you with it. Regardless of how gentle they try to be, it still hurts more than your annual gynecological exam.
2. It's okay to cheat on a diet. I had to cut out coffee, black tea, white flour, corn and white potatoes. Some of these I have succeeded on, and some of them I failed miserably. Forcing myself to take a good, hard look at what I am consuming made me realize that I consume far too many pastries, regardless that I do eat a mostly plant-based diet. I only allow myself one medium caffeinated coffee on Mondays and a cup of decaf if I'm out to breakfast on the weekend. If I'm having a tough day, coffee is my crutch and it's something I am actively working on.
Potatoes are my favorite food and by far are more my weakness than any form of caffeine. I love sweet potatoes, but something about those hot, salty fries are just not the same as sweet potato fries. When you're in the mood, you're in the mood. Corn was a staple with no nutritional value but it's still hard to say no to a hot buttered ear of corn in the summer or corn salsa on your Chipotle burrito. I also consume a lot of bread products and pasta I have learned.
Being vegetarian is always a challenge but it also allows me to be creative in the kitchen, which I love. Yes, I cheat on these restrictions often but hopefully in the years to come I can manage my diet better than I have been. I'm also hoping that when I go out to eat, I continue to see more options on the menu for me besides mac and cheese or a salad. Impossible burgers are a step in the right direction (regardless of the high sodium content) but we still have a long way to go for vegans and vegetarians!
3. Your health is your business and no one else's (unless you chose to share it). Most of my family and friends have no idea that I'm sick. I'm lucky enough to work for a company that allows me to be flexible within my day, so I can go to doctor's appointments early in the morning and then stay late to finish my day. I get to choose who share my story with and that power of deciding is one of the few moments of control I have in this whirlwind. You never owe anyone an explanation more than "I'm not feeling well" or "I have a doctor's appointment". If you choose to share information beyond those statements, then that is your choice.
4. Your diagnosis is not a burden.
Most people I tell about my illnesses are attentive listeners and while I hate to watch the dread and fear cast a shadow upon their eyes, every single one of my friends have thanked me for telling them. We fear the unknown, and unfortunately "The C Word" (as Bobby refers to it) is incredibly devastating. It feels as though everyone knows a loved one or friend who passed away from The C Word and it's hard admitting you have a health problem when the word strikes such fear in people. I held off on telling anyone for a long time because I hated that look of fear and pity they would give me. At the end of the day though, people who love and care about you just want to support you. I have a hard time allowing others to care for me; I am always the caretaker for my friends, family, even coworkers. It isn't a burden to share your truth with them; it is something that can bring you closer, make you value your time and friendship, and remind you of just how short life can be.
5. Love is hard but it will get you through the day.
My fiance is incredibly supportive and though I thankfully rarely have symptoms of my disease, I know he constantly worries. He tends to hover like an overprotective parent, always concerned and cautious. This year has not been easy for us. Though it was filled with joy over becoming engaged on our first trip to Disney World together, there were several family members who were hospitalized for various reasons and both of our jobs are high stress. We try to make as much time for each other as possible but it is challenging when you still live apart. We are still saving for a house which is both exciting and incredibly frustrating. We recently made an offer on a fixer upper and the process was stressful. We had a few fights this past year that made me realize our disagreements have grown more intense, but thankfully the result is that we become closer than ever after we resolve things! I'm eternally grateful to have such a loving partner who cares about my well-being and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, regardless that I have all these issues or that the future is unknown.
Here's to the next year and fingers crossed nothing more happens to my health! May you have a healthy, happy life filled with joy and laughter. Mine is filled with lots of needles, poking and prodding. At the end of the day, it is also filled with love, compassion and patience (on my fiance's part, not mine). Here's hoping 2020 brings me some more patience!
Comments
Post a Comment